One of the most common issues couples bring up in sex and intimacy therapy is dissatisfaction—not with each other, necessarily, but with how hard it is to talk openly about what’s working in their sex life... and what’s not.
Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, newly committed, or part of a polycule, conversations about sex can easily feel vulnerable or tense. But the good news is: they don’t have to be. A few simple communication strategies can make these conversations more productive, and less stressful, for everyone involved.
1. Don’t spring it on them
Bringing up sex mid-argument, while folding laundry, or right before bed usually won’t get you the clarity (or connection) you’re hoping for. Instead, try setting aside a calm, unrushed time to talk. Let your partner know you’d like to have a check-in about your sexual connection, and pick a moment when you’re both relatively rested and free from distractions. No phones. No background noise. Just the two of you, fully present.
2. Speak from your own experience
Using “I” statements makes a big difference. Saying “I’ve been feeling distant lately” lands much more gently than “You never want to have sex anymore.” The first version invites curiosity and care. The second almost guarantees defensiveness. If you’re not sure where to start, try something like: “I’ve been thinking about how we connect physically and wanted to check in with you about how you’re feeling too.”
3. Show you’re listening, and that you care
Even if you’re the one bringing up the topic, give your partner plenty of space to share. Ask open-ended questions. Reflect back what you’re hearing. A simple “So it sounds like you’ve been feeling nervous about bringing this up too?” can go a long way. Make it clear that you’re not just trying to fix a problem...you’re trying to understand and support each other better. That alone can help build trust, which is the foundation of any intimate connection.
4. Stay kind, even when it’s hard
Conversations about sex can stir up a lot: shame, anxiety, fear of rejection. If your partner gets emotional or pulls back, try to meet them with patience and reassurance. Remind each other that the goal is to feel closer, not to judge or blame. When you each feel safe expressing yourselves, even about uncomfortable topics, you’re more likely to make lasting improvements to your sexual relationship.
And remember, this isn’t a one-time thing. Talking about sex isn’t a box to check; it’s an ongoing process that evolves as your relationship grows. A little discomfort at first is normal, but it gets easier the more you practice.
Want support having these conversations?
You're not alone if talking about sex feels unfamiliar or overwhelming. Many couples and individuals reach out for pre-marital counseling, sex therapy, or couples therapy for one to get help navigating conversations like this. If that sounds like something that might help, reach out to us. We’d be glad to support you.