Most of us like to believe we’re good listeners. But if someone asked you to repeat what your partner just said in a heated conversation, could you do it accurately? Often, we’re preparing our own response, defending ourselves in our head, or trying to stay calm. But in those moments, we’re not truly listening—we’re waiting to speak.
This kind of listening puts the focus on the listener’s inner world rather than the speaker’s message. When that happens, connection gets lost. Tension rises. Conversations go in circles or spiral into arguments. But there’s a way to shift this dynamic: active listening.
At Clarity, we regularly help couples and polycules strengthen communication through couples therapy and marriage counseling. One of the most effective tools we use is active listening, a practice that improves mutual understanding and de-escalates conflict. With a little effort, anyone can learn this skill—and it often has an immediate positive impact on the relationship.
What Active Listening Actually Looks Like
Active listening means fully tuning in to your partner—not just hearing the words, but taking in their tone, their feelings, and their body language. You’re not planning your next sentence. You’re trying to understand what it’s like to be in their shoes.
Here are some ways to practice active listening in your relationship:
- Choose the right time: Talk when both of you are calm, rested, and not distracted. Set aside devices and create space for the conversation.
- Notice your body language: Maintain eye contact, nod occasionally, and keep your posture open. These small cues show that you’re present and engaged.
- Focus on understanding, not fixing: You don’t need to offer solutions unless your partner asks for them. Most people just want to feel heard.
- Use reflection and clarification: Say things like “So what I’m hearing is…” or “Do you mean that…?” This helps your partner feel truly understood.
- Practice emotional regulation: If you feel defensive, pause and breathe. Remind yourself this is about their experience, not your reaction to it.
In men’s therapy sessions, we often help clients notice when their instinct is to offer fixes instead of empathy. Especially in relationships where one partner is feeling emotionally unseen, active listening can become a powerful repair tool—one that replaces frustration with safety and connection.
If you’d like to read more about how certain behaviors can interfere with healthy communication, check out this article on love bombing by Clarity Counseling therapist Justin Pere, written for the Gottman Institute.
Learn to Communicate in a Way That Builds Connection
Real listening can be transformative. When both people feel truly heard, it becomes easier to solve problems together and reconnect emotionally. If you’d like help building this skill, we’re here to support you.
At Clarity Counseling Seattle, we specialize in relationships of all kinds, including couples, marriages, and polycules. Reach out today if you'd like to start working on this in therapy.