Many people assume sexual desire works like a green light: first you feel desire, then you act on it. When desire is low or inconsistent, people often wait—sometimes for weeks or months—for that feeling to return before initiating intimacy.
In long-term relationships, that sequence often flips.
Rather than desire leading the way, desire frequently shows up after someone takes initiative. Understanding this shift can be surprisingly relieving for couples who worry that something is “wrong” because desire doesn’t arrive on cue.
This idea recently came up in a New York Times article on unconventional ways to cultivate sexual desire, where I was quoted discussing how initiation itself can sometimes bring desire along with it.
Why waiting for desire can keep couples stuck
Popular culture tends to frame libido as a spontaneous internal urge. If you’re not feeling it, the assumption is that you should wait—or fix yourself—until you are.
In my work as a couples and sex therapist in Seattle, I often see how this belief quietly creates problems. When people wait for desire to appear before acting, two things tend to happen:
- Initiation slowly disappears, often out of fear of rejection or awkwardness.
- Partners begin to interpret that absence as a lack of attraction or interest.
Over time, desire becomes a test rather than an experience.
What taking initiative actually changes
Taking initiative isn’t just about starting sex. It changes how people experience themselves inside the relationship.
When someone initiates—even imperfectly—it often creates an internal shift:
- From waiting to choosing
- From passivity to agency
- From monitoring the relationship to participating in it
That shift alone can make desire more accessible. Not because sex is guaranteed, but because the person initiating is no longer organized around being wanted, approved of, or reassured.
In other words, initiative can reawaken desire by restoring a sense of choice.
Why this matters especially in long-term relationships
In established partnerships, desire is shaped less by novelty and more by context. Fatigue, stress, caregiving roles, emotional habits, and unspoken resentment all influence whether desire has room to emerge.
When initiation becomes one-sided—or disappears altogether—desire often gets buried under pressure or avoidance. Reintroducing initiative, particularly by the partner who usually waits, can subtly rebalance the dynamic.
This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to have sex you don’t want. It means allowing yourself to act before certainty shows up.
Awkwardness is not a sign you’re doing it wrong
One reason people avoid initiating is fear of doing it “wrong.” But awkwardness is often part of the process.
Initiating without guaranteed desire can feel vulnerable. In practice, that vulnerability is often what helps people reconnect with erotic confidence.
Many couples find that once initiation feels less performative, desire stops needing to prove itself.
Desire as a response, not a prerequisite
For many people—especially in long-term relationships—desire is responsive. It emerges in response to touch, emotional presence, assertion, or closeness.
Waiting to feel desire before initiating can keep couples stuck. Allowing initiative to come first creates movement, and desire often follows.
A small experiment you can try
If you’re usually the one who waits, consider initiating once without worrying about the outcome. Notice how it feels to choose rather than wait. Pay attention to what shifts internally, regardless of whether it leads to sex.
Desire doesn’t always announce itself in advance. Sometimes it arrives only after you’ve taken a step toward what you want.
If questions about desire, initiation, or mismatched libido are creating tension in your relationship, working with a therapist can help clarify the patterns underneath them. At Clarity Counseling Seattle, we support individuals and couples through couples therapy and sex and intimacy therapy, helping people explore desire with curiosity rather than pressure.
If you’re interested in other interviews and articles I’ve contributed to on relationships, sex, and emotional health, you can find them collected on my Media page.