I recently had the opportunity to contribute to an article in GQ magazine about competitive friendships, and it sparked further reflection on this common but often overlooked dynamic. Competition can sometimes strengthen friendships—but left unchecked, it can also erode trust, closeness, and emotional safety.
In friendships, competition can be a double-edged sword. It may push us to grow and succeed, but it can also introduce tension, self-doubt, and even resentment. The goal isn’t to eliminate competition entirely—it’s to understand how it functions in your relationships and whether it’s helping or harming your connection.
When Competition Enhances Friendship
In our work with men in therapy, we often explore how friendly competition plays a role in how many men bond. Whether it’s a pickup basketball game, debating career wins, or light teasing, this kind of dynamic can feel energizing and affirming. It offers a familiar way to connect while expressing admiration, even if it’s not always said directly.
The key is balance. Healthy competition doesn’t diminish trust or emotional safety—it coexists with mutual respect and care. When you can compete and still celebrate each other’s wins, that’s a sign the friendship is on solid ground.
Red Flags of Unhealthy Competition
Sometimes, though, things shift. You may notice that the competition no longer feels fun—it starts to feel like a test. Here are a few signs that the dynamic may have tipped into something more toxic:
- You feel judged or diminished around your friend’s successes
- You struggle to share good news for fear of being one-upped
- Your friend seems more focused on outperforming you than connecting
- The friendship leaves you feeling anxious or unseen
If you’re saying “yes” to any of these, it may be time to take a closer look at how the relationship is functioning—and what, if anything, needs to shift.
What to Do When Competition Becomes a Problem
One option is to address the issue directly. This doesn’t mean calling someone out—it means naming what’s happening with honesty and curiosity. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed that I sometimes feel uncomfortable when we compare things like money or achievements. I care about our friendship and want to make sure we’re both feeling good in it.”
In our work with couples and relationships, we often see how relational patterns from friendships mirror what happens in romantic partnerships. That includes competition, subtle power struggles, or even emotionally manipulative behavior. If your friend’s attachment style or intensity feels confusing or overwhelming, it could be helpful to explore resources like this article I wrote on love bombing for the Gottman Institute.
Looking Inward: What Drives the Need to Compete?
If you tend to be the competitive one, there’s no shame in that—but it might be time for some self-reflection. Ask yourself: What’s motivating this? Am I trying to prove something, and if so, to whom? Many of us learned early on that our worth was tied to success, approval, or being the best. That conditioning can show up later in ways we didn’t expect.
Therapy can help uncover these patterns and offer alternative ways of building closeness and confidence. Especially for men navigating identity shifts, midlife transitions, or emotional growth, therapy can open space for more ease and authenticity in relationships. This is something we explored further in our recent blog post on “mankeeping,” where Justin Pere was quoted in the New York Times discussing emotional labor and the challenges men face in developing deeper support systems.
How Therapy Helps You Recalibrate Relationships
Working with a Seattle individual therapist can help you understand and reshape how you relate to others. If competition in your friendships—or even in your romantic partnership—is causing strain, therapy can support you in creating more emotionally fulfilling connections.
In our therapy practice, we work with clients who want to understand their relational patterns, strengthen their friendships, and move through midlife with clarity and confidence. If competition has become a wedge between you and someone you care about, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
A Final Thought on Competitive Friendships
You don’t need to win in order to be loved. Healthy friendships aren’t built on comparison or keeping score—they’re grounded in mutual growth, support, and enjoyment. If a friendship feels out of balance, that’s not a failure. It’s a signpost. And if you’re ready to explore what that signpost is pointing toward, we’re here to help.