*My husband and fellow therapist, Justin Pere, was recently featured on The Gottman Institute’s blog, writing about male loneliness and disconnection—struggles that often become more pronounced during times of grief.
Grieving People Often Want to Talk About Their Loved One
One of the most common things I hear in grief counseling is this: “I wish more people would talk with me about them.” Whether it's a lost spouse, parent, sibling, or friend, many grieving people truly want to share stories, speak their loved one’s name, and keep their memory alive in conversation. It can be painful when those opportunities don’t happen—and even more painful when others seem to avoid the topic altogether.
In therapy, people often express a deep fear of forgetting. They worry that their memories will fade over time, or that others will stop acknowledging the person they lost. Not being able to speak openly about them can feel like a second kind of loss—one where their presence in the world is no longer recognized.
Why People Stay Silent (and Why It Might Hurt More)
If you're someone who loves or supports a grieving person, you may worry that bringing up their loss will make things worse. Maybe you don’t know what to say, or you're afraid of saying the wrong thing. Or maybe your own feelings are still raw, and it’s easier to stay quiet. These are all understandable instincts—but silence is often more painful than an imperfect attempt to connect.
Even a simple acknowledgment can help. And while you might also be grieving, know that making space for someone else’s pain doesn’t invalidate your own. If you’re unsure what to say, try something as gentle as “I’ve been thinking about them lately. I’d love to hear one of your favorite memories, if you’d like to share.” It’s okay if tears come. That’s part of what connection looks like during grief.
For more context, we’ve also written about how normal grief unfolds, and how unpredictable it can feel for everyone involved.
Why Memories Matter So Much
Memories are more than just stories—they're how we carry people forward. And that’s why talking about someone who’s died can be so healing. Whether it's a funny story, an awkward moment, a quiet lesson, or a major turning point, sharing those memories helps people feel less alone in their grief. It also reinforces the idea that the person they lost left a mark that still lives on.
When I ask clients to tell me about the person they’re missing, they often light up. There’s warmth and pride in their voice. I hear about the ways someone showed up for their family, made people laugh, or taught them something important. These conversations are not just emotional—they’re meaningful, and often deeply comforting.
Hearing Their Name Still Matters
One thing I often share in grief therapy is the power of names. There’s something special about hearing a name spoken aloud—especially the name of someone we’ve lost. It reminds us that they existed, that they mattered, and that we’re not the only ones who remember them.
Using a loved one’s name in conversation doesn’t reopen wounds—it acknowledges something that’s already present for the grieving person. Their absence is felt every day, and simply saying the name of the person who died can bring a moment of relief, connection, and even joy.
You Don’t Have to Say the “Right” Thing
The truth is, there is no perfect thing to say. What matters most is that you’re willing to show up. If the person doesn’t feel like talking in that moment, they’ll let you know. But more often than not, they’ll appreciate your effort. Asking about their memories or sharing your own can be a gift. One that lets them know: “Your person hasn’t been forgotten. And neither have you.”
~ Hanna Kokko, LSWAIC
Therapists in Seattle Who Support Grief and Loss
If you’re grieving or supporting someone who is, you're not alone. We offer individual therapy and couples counseling in Seattle, both in-person and online. If you’d like support, you can reach out here to schedule a consultation. We’d be honored to talk with you.