Recently, I had the opportunity to be quoted in a Seattle Times article exploring why many men struggle to express emotion, and what that costs them in their relationships. You can read the article here, or view a PDF version here.
The piece begins and ends with mention of my father and our relationship. He passed away last week.
Writing this now feels different than it would have even a month ago.
The article speaks to something I have seen for more than two decades in my work with men and couples: many men deeply feel love, grief, tenderness, fear, and longing… but they were never taught how to express those emotions in ways that create connection.
My father was a good man. Hard-working. Loyal. Present. But like many men of his generation, emotional language was not something he had much access to. We connected in other ways. Sometimes that was enough. Sometimes it was not.
That tension lives in many families.
Why do so many men struggle to express emotion?
This is not about men being incapable of emotion. It is about conditioning.
Many boys grow up absorbing messages like:
- Be strong.
- Don’t cry.
- Handle it yourself.
- Don’t be “too much.”
Over time, emotional range narrows. Vulnerability becomes associated with weakness. Emotional needs get buried under performance, responsibility, or quiet endurance.
Later, in adult relationships, partners often say things like:
- “I know he loves me, but I don’t feel it.”
- “He shuts down when things get hard.”
- “I can’t get him to open up.”
Underneath that shutdown is usually not indifference. It is fear. Or unfamiliarity. Or shame.
This is something we address often in our work with therapy for men in Seattle, especially when the goal is to build emotional clarity without losing a sense of strength or identity.
What happens in relationships when emotion is restricted?
When emotional expression is limited, a relationship often becomes imbalanced.
One partner may carry more emotional labor. Conversations become logistical rather than intimate. Conflict either escalates quickly or disappears into avoidance.
Over time, both partners can feel alone.
This dynamic frequently shows up in couples counseling in Seattle, where the goal is not to “fix” one partner, but to expand emotional access safely and gradually.
Emotional expression is a skill. Like any skill, it can be learned.
Is emotional openness something men can actually learn?
Yes.
The work is not about forcing vulnerability or turning someone into a different person. It is about increasing emotional literacy.
That might mean:
- Identifying emotions beyond anger or stress
- Recognizing physical cues of sadness or anxiety
- Practicing small moments of emotional disclosure
- Learning how to respond to a partner’s emotional bids
When men are given permission, structure, and safety, they often grow in ways that surprise even them.
I wrote previously about how men can feel caught between competition and connection in friendships. That dynamic often mirrors what happens in romantic relationships as well. You can explore more about that in this post on competitive friendships.
The larger theme is this: emotional restriction is learned. Which means it can be unlearned.
What this means for fathers and sons
The timing of this article has not been lost on me.
When a parent dies, especially a father, there is often a wave of reflection. What was said. What was not said. What we understood. What we never quite found language for.
Many men of my father’s generation did the best they could with the tools they had. But emotional inheritance is real. If a father did not have access to emotional vocabulary, it is unlikely his son was explicitly taught it either.
That does not mean we are stuck.
One of the quiet gifts of therapy is that it can interrupt generational emotional patterns. Men who learn to articulate grief, fear, longing, or tenderness often raise children who have broader emotional freedom.
If you are navigating midlife transitions, loss, or shifting identity as a man, this post on how therapy can help during midlife transitions may also resonate.
Grief has a way of clarifying what matters.
Connection matters.
Why this conversation matters right now
We are living in a time where many men report profound loneliness. Emotional isolation does not just affect romantic relationships. It affects health, friendships, parenting, and self-worth.
The Seattle Times article captures a truth I see daily: men want connection. Many simply do not know how to create it.
If reading this brings up something for you, whether that is frustration in a relationship or reflection on your own emotional history, that is worth paying attention to.
Emotional growth does not require becoming someone else. It requires becoming more fully yourself.
And sometimes, that begins with one honest conversation.