When couples struggle with intimacy, the first instinct is often to focus on desire. "Why don’t I want sex more?" "What happened to my libido?" But from our work with individuals, couples, and polycules at Clarity, we’ve learned that desire is rarely the whole story. Often something is simply getting in the way...and that’s where the concept of accelerators and brakes can be so helpful.
In sex therapy, we use this framework to help clients understand what fuels their desire, and what shuts it down. Once we see the full picture, the path toward connection becomes clearer.
What are "accelerators and brakes" in sexual desire?
Sex educator Emily Nagoski popularized this model in her book Come As You Are, and it’s one we return to often in our work at Clarity. She explains that sexual desire isn’t an on/off switch - it’s more like a car with both gas and brakes:
- Accelerators: Things that turn you on, like emotional closeness, sensual touch, feeling desired, erotic imagery.
- Brakes: Things that shut desire down, like stress, unresolved conflict, performance pressure, shame, or body image struggles.
Sometimes, the issue isn’t that your "gas pedal" is weak... it’s that your brakes are super sensitive. Therapy helps you identify both sides, and begin to shift the balance.
How therapy can help you release the brakes on intimacy
If intimacy has started to feel distant or overwhelming, you’re not alone. Many of our clients share that it feels confusing, even painful, to want more connection but not know how to reach for it. Therapy offers a gentle space to explore what’s getting in the way, and what might help.
1. Identifying what's activating your brakes
We often begin with curiosity: what stressors, beliefs, or experiences might be inhibiting desire? This can include:
- daily stress and mental load: Work, parenting, or even the constant buzz of busyness can leave little room for desire.
- relationship patterns: Emotional disconnection, conflict, or unspoken resentment can quietly put the brakes on intimacy.
- self-image and shame: Struggles with body acceptance or internalized messages about sex can make it hard to feel safe in your body.
- past experiences: Trauma or early messages about sex can linger quietly—and impact desire in unexpected ways.
2. Creating a space where you feel safe to be seen
We know how hard it can be to talk about sex, even with someone you love. A skilled relationship therapist or online sex therapist can offer a space that feels respectful, open, and warm, where all parts of you (and your relationship) are welcome. It’s a space where your fears, questions, and longings can finally be spoken.
3. Shifting from pressure to connection
One of the most common issues we see is performance anxiety. When sex becomes something you feel you "should" be doing, desire often shuts down. Therapy helps you reorient—toward pleasure, presence, and emotional connection instead. This shift is not only healing... it can also support things like erectile dysfunction, which is often worsened by stress and performance pressure.
4. Practicing tools to reduce sexual anxiety
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but here are some common practices we might explore in therapy:
- mindfulness: Building awareness of sensations and breath to quiet the inner critic.
- non-sexual touch: Reconnecting through closeness that isn’t goal-directed.
- thought reframing: Challenging beliefs like "I should want sex more" or "Something is wrong with me."
What if you focused less on fixing desire, and more on what’s in the way?
Sometimes the question isn’t “How do I want sex more?”... but “What’s making it hard to feel safe, open, or close?” That question can change everything.
If this topic resonates, you might also find our blog Why Focusing on Pleasure Instead of Desire Can Transform Your Intimacy helpful too.
When you’re ready to explore what’s underneath the disconnect, we’re here. Let’s talk.